In a little more than a month I will be a homeowner again. It is scary this time. Its only me. No second income, no safety net. The upside is amazing. I grow value and ownership but the dangers are everywhere. The what-ifs swirl like daggers. Am I doing the right thing? Am I making a mistake? Is this a good deal? Am I spending too much? Do I believe in HOA’s?
I will finally have a laundry room of my own and paint on the walls. More than white paint at least.
Apartment life has been okay but I have watched all of my friends move out and move on from my building leaving vast chasms where friendships once lived.
There is a swimming pool and nice grounds to walk. There is even a modest garage for my car. No gardening but I suppose I can’t have everything.
I hope I am making the right choice.
Filed under Dad, Feelings, Life
Life is funny.
About five and a half years ago my life was in shambles. Personally and professionally I was falling apart. Things ebbed and flowed since then, nothing ever getting too great but always finding deeper sadness to explore.
I had never really considering uttering those three words, other than to my family, ever again. The thought scared the crap outta me. My who life had imploded because of those words. I felt like I had failed them and I had. Those three words and I were not friends. Not acquaintances. Not lunch mates. Nada. We were not speaking and I was okay with it.
Then, suddenly, over the last two weeks I found that those three words and I were having friendly conversations in my head. How could this be? I didn’t even like those three words and now we are hanging out and chatting about life, the universe and everything.
Not to mention the genesis of this entire conversation. A simple Halloween dinner…a meet and greet. To say it is complicated and awesome and weird and thrilling is an understatement but those three words are there none the less.
I am an observer of people and life. A consistent theme I see running through each day is people making shit harder than it needs to be. From the boss who forgets what the purpose of the job is to couples not being able to communicate well together to the not being able to make simple decisions without massive amounts of ridiculous overthinking.
I have been guilty of all three in my life.
There is no simpler way to make people angry and lose people’s faith than to start making things harder than they need to be. An easy thing to remember is that there is another boss aching to steal your employees, a new lover looking to take your place and a someone looking to take advantage of your indecision.
I have begun trying to turn my life in a direction that allows me to make decisions easily and with common sense. Come on in, the water is fine.
In the past year, I have embarked on a journey of sorts. I have endured incredible loss, pain and the kind of stress that is nearly crippling. I have also encountered new friends and lovers that have made my life feel more full than ever.
I have discovered a way of life where I am free to love more openly than I ever have before. All my friends mean so much to me and I have spent so much time making sure they know. I have found the ability to freely love without inhibition and without shame. I am not tied down by what society says love should be.
Does this mean I have a girlfriend? Probably. Does this mean I may have more than one? That is likely. I am not ashamed in the least.
When the soul of a good person has had enough. When the light in that person’s eyes no longer flashes. That is when discover that your resolve cannot be repaired. I have spent several years trying to find it again. It’s just not there. Everyday is simply making it to the next and it’s tiring. I don’t even feel anymore.
This is not an “I hate America” blog post.
These are my feelings on 20+ years of working, successfully, in the business world in America and what feels like the sheer lack of recognition or reward for many years of good reviews and results.
I am a mindful worker. I make things better, improve processes, help people out, come to work on time, and try to be a genuinely good person to those around me.
What I notice is that workers get shit on all the time in the name of “cutbacks”, “belt tightening”, “decreased corporate profits” and many other industry buzz words that are all designed to scare workers so that they stay in their lane. A worker that stays in his/her lane is a worker that will smile and say “thank you” when receiving a 1 percent increase in pay for an above average review or grin and bear it when they receive good feedback but there is “no money for raises this year”.
The American worker believes they are just one more hour of work each week from being noticed, from getting the keys to the executive bathroom, to that office with a window (and a door). Here is a hint: you aren’t. Most of us the Gen X, Y and beyond categories are fodder for the cannons. Hoping to scrape together enough 401K to retire at 70 or 75.
Generally speaking, if you work really hard for a company and they love your work they don’t want to train you for a new job (and likely did no training with you on your current job) and then train a new person for your old job. So they hire the person from the outside for that job you wanted. You have to leave to find your promotion.
Promotions. It is a word that barely occurs with the minions in a company. The executives, on the other hand, will create new positions and titles to give themselves (and hefty raises and perks as well) as often as needed, because they can and the good little workers won’t say anything and the workers that do say things get a label and a stern warning.
Assimilate or be destroyed.
That is why we can’t take that vacation again this year.
I woke up this morning feeling older.
I moved a little slower.
The world was a bit more gray.
The birds a bit muted.
Her light left our world a week ago.
It has changed me. Aged me.
Just as her battle filled me with hope,
Her death leaves me empty.
It seems like a hole that will stay empty.
Knowing that i will not get to see her,
Not get to talk to her,
Not get to see her win this battle makes me more sad than i ever thought was possible.
Filed under Feelings, Life, Love
I see the looks, hear the comments when i try to be healthy.
I see the looks, hear the comments when i have some junk food.
I see the looks, hear the comments when i am at the gym trying to be more fit.
I see the looks, hear the comments when i am not trying to exercise.
I have feelings. I am a grown man and that shit hurts. A lifetime of hiding my feelings and safeguarding myself with whatever emotional safeguard i can find has left me withered and broken.
When you cast the eye of judgement or decide i have no value because of my weight you are missing out on a person that cares and will always be nice and respectful.
The tears are colder as the heart hardens.
They say that the loneliest people are the nicest and most giving people in the world. I really believe that because I try to really be thoughtful to people and it seems as though it never quite works out. Everyone loves all those nice things that you do for them but it is surprising how seldom that niceness is returned.
It seems every day now I hear stories from friends about awful things that people that are supposed to care about them have to them. What makes people do mean things to those they love? If that person has trusted you with their feelings, their life, and their heart then it is up to you to take care of those things like they are your own.
I treat people like that everyday and, honestly, it gets pretty lonely.