In the past year, I have embarked on a journey of sorts. I have endured incredible loss, pain and the kind of stress that is nearly crippling. I have also encountered new friends and lovers that have made my life feel more full than ever.
I have discovered a way of life where I am free to love more openly than I ever have before. All my friends mean so much to me and I have spent so much time making sure they know. I have found the ability to freely love without inhibition and without shame. I am not tied down by what society says love should be.
Does this mean I have a girlfriend? Probably. Does this mean I may have more than one? That is likely. I am not ashamed in the least.
When the soul of a good person has had enough. When the light in that person’s eyes no longer flashes. That is when discover that your resolve cannot be repaired. I have spent several years trying to find it again. It’s just not there. Everyday is simply making it to the next and it’s tiring. I don’t even feel anymore.
This is not an “I hate America” blog post.
These are my feelings on 20+ years of working, successfully, in the business world in America and what feels like the sheer lack of recognition or reward for many years of good reviews and results.
I am a mindful worker. I make things better, improve processes, help people out, come to work on time, and try to be a genuinely good person to those around me.
What I notice is that workers get shit on all the time in the name of “cutbacks”, “belt tightening”, “decreased corporate profits” and many other industry buzz words that are all designed to scare workers so that they stay in their lane. A worker that stays in his/her lane is a worker that will smile and say “thank you” when receiving a 1 percent increase in pay for an above average review or grin and bear it when they receive good feedback but there is “no money for raises this year”.
The American worker believes they are just one more hour of work each week from being noticed, from getting the keys to the executive bathroom, to that office with a window (and a door). Here is a hint: you aren’t. Most of us the Gen X, Y and beyond categories are fodder for the cannons. Hoping to scrape together enough 401K to retire at 70 or 75.
Generally speaking, if you work really hard for a company and they love your work they don’t want to train you for a new job (and likely did no training with you on your current job) and then train a new person for your old job. So they hire the person from the outside for that job you wanted. You have to leave to find your promotion.
Promotions. It is a word that barely occurs with the minions in a company. The executives, on the other hand, will create new positions and titles to give themselves (and hefty raises and perks as well) as often as needed, because they can and the good little workers won’t say anything and the workers that do say things get a label and a stern warning.
Assimilate or be destroyed.
That is why we can’t take that vacation again this year.
I woke up this morning feeling older.
I moved a little slower.
The world was a bit more gray.
The birds a bit muted.
Her light left our world a week ago.
It has changed me. Aged me.
Just as her battle filled me with hope,
Her death leaves me empty.
It seems like a hole that will stay empty.
Knowing that i will not get to see her,
Not get to talk to her,
Not get to see her win this battle makes me more sad than i ever thought was possible.
Filed under Feelings, Life, Love
I see the looks, hear the comments when i try to be healthy.
I see the looks, hear the comments when i have some junk food.
I see the looks, hear the comments when i am at the gym trying to be more fit.
I see the looks, hear the comments when i am not trying to exercise.
I have feelings. I am a grown man and that shit hurts. A lifetime of hiding my feelings and safeguarding myself with whatever emotional safeguard i can find has left me withered and broken.
When you cast the eye of judgement or decide i have no value because of my weight you are missing out on a person that cares and will always be nice and respectful.
The tears are colder as the heart hardens.
They say that the loneliest people are the nicest and most giving people in the world. I really believe that because I try to really be thoughtful to people and it seems as though it never quite works out. Everyone loves all those nice things that you do for them but it is surprising how seldom that niceness is returned.
It seems every day now I hear stories from friends about awful things that people that are supposed to care about them have to them. What makes people do mean things to those they love? If that person has trusted you with their feelings, their life, and their heart then it is up to you to take care of those things like they are your own.
I treat people like that everyday and, honestly, it gets pretty lonely.
I had such high hopes for the summer. But now summer is fading and with it brings winter sadness. Fall is okay I guess but the unbearable knowledge that winter is following is hard to handle. I’d like to think that there is something to look forward to this winter but it’s hard to see what that is.
I have tried to get out and do things this summer but it seems as though no one really wants to do anything. I have tried to make new friends but they mostly just take.
No one cares about me. I am no one and when i am gone the mourners will be few. I have only a single reason to keep going but it is reason enough. I just wish the nights weren’t so lonely.
Went to Gen Con today. It was amazing with so many games and cool costumes.
It is an amazing event for the attendees and for Indianapolis.
For me it was fun but brought up so many good memories. I should have enjoyed it so much more but doing cool things like that by yourself is so lonely.
I was so jealous of all the couples at the convention browsing and gaming together. I want that. I want my next relationship to be an adventure– a breathless reminder of what life is about.
Where is these people that will make this dream a reality?
Filed under Feelings, Life, Love
Here I sit, long holiday weekend, waiting for the call, for the text, or the email that I know will not come.
I don’t need a forever love but it would be nice to have a friend or lover who calls or comes over just because.